As Matt Williams, head coach of the W.R. Myers Rebels football team has pointed out, gridiron games will likely require a new person announcing them in the booth this fall.
I have always wondered what announcing a game would be like. I’ve always said I have a face for radio.
But there are a couple of things working against me in becoming the next Al Michaels, Pat Summerall or John Madden.
The first and most obvious thing is it’s going to prove a little difficult in announcing a game and shooting pictures of it with my daytime job as a sports scribe for the Taber Times, unless I somehow miraculously get the superpowers of The Flash.
Second, my soft silky monotone voice is more likely suited for such riveting events as budget discussions in the House of Commons or helping people catch up on their sleep, rather than the excitement of a football game tied 24-24 with two minutes left to play and the home team driving.
But I thought maybe I could use some of my own insights into the game mixed in with some cheeky commentary influenced by one of the greats in Pittsburgh Penguins commentator Mike Lange, to help ease someone else into the position in the announcing booth with some unique perspectives.
For a one-handed grab by a wide receiver diving to the ground: “Back up the clown car Chuckles... that was a circus catch!”
For a linebacker leading his team in tackles late in the game: It looks like (insert name here) is on the Neil Diamond tour... he keeps bringing out the hits!”
For a lineman or running back who picks up a blitz and knocks the player down who stays on the ground after getting rocked with the block: “Paging Aunt Jemima, we need some syrup stat for that pancake!”
For a running back with a huge amount of carries: “Give that kid a sugar cube will ya! He’s been a workhorse all night!”
For a team giving up an inordinately high amount of points in a game: I haven’t seen defence this bad since that charity basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Washington Generals back in ’88.”
For the Rebels scoring an extremely high amount of points in a game: “The Rebels are scoring at will, like a singles’ weekend in the Pokonos!”
For a hostile fan base (ripped off from Seinfeld): “The crowd looks angry, like an old man returning soup at a deli!”
For a defence that gets fooled by a reverse (ripped off of Garrett Simmons): They fell for that like a blind roofer!”
For a quarterback completing a long touchdown pass: “Zeus just called, he wants his thunderbolt back!”
For a defensive back getting beat badly on a long touchdown pass: “Could someone help number 21 find the jock he left on the field about 10 yards back?”
For a running back that changes direction quickly, turning a four-yard loss into a four-yard gain: “He cut on a dime away from the pressure and left eight cents change!”
For coaches disagreeing with the referees: “It looks like Williams is concerned if the refs have renewed their prescriptions from Three Blind Mice Optical.”
The opportunities for flair are endless for whoever takes up the mantel for announcing W.R. Myers Rebels football games. Hopefully, the Rebels can find someone to fill the spot that will likely be vacated by former announcer Matt Harris.