Bill Lawson

Greetings, fellow travelers! I would like to begin this week’s column with something in the way of an apology. As many of you may have noticed, I have been absent from these pages of late. At least, I hope some of you noticed. Anybody? No? Oh. Well, that’s all right. You’ve got a lot going on.
I can say that my e-mail inbox was bombarded with two, count ‘em, two letters of concern on the matter. The first was from a Nigerian Prince. He didn’t actually mention my column, but I could tell from the tone of his missive that he would be the type who would express concern. Once we get the little matter of some banking details out of the way, I’m sure he’ll ask! He seems like a friendly sort, and I’m doing him a favour, so I’m sure it’s on his mind.
The second friendly little e-mail was from my saintly aunt Mildew. She’s a lovely lady. I was quite surprised, actually, that the old gal was able to get in touch with me. It had been quite some time, and I hadn’t realized the restraining order had run out. Silly me!
The bulk of aunt Mildew’s e-mail was on no import to this discussion, and consisted, for the most part, of old whaling shantys, (because, let’s face it, there are no NEW whaling shantys!) and her recipe for chicken a’la king. (Hint: use only fresh king.) But somewhere, hidden amongst all the salt and profanity she offered this little nugget of wisdom. I quote, “Hey Dipstick! I’ve noticed that The Times has been readable as of late! Good riddance!!!” The exclamation marks were hers. Oh, that loveable rascal aunt Mildew and her little games! I’m going to give her an explanation as to the whereabouts of my missing column, and then I’m going to throw her favourite pork chop into traffic.
And on to the explanation. I’m a dumbass. That’s it, really. I had figured it out, with charts and graphs and a couple of witty cartoons, and I had put it all together into a nice little package that took into account weather conditions, atmospheric phenomenon occurring during peak creative times, moon phases, daylight savings time, and, for some reason, the breeding habits of the Richardson Ground Squirrel. I ran the whole thing through the Bat Computer, and, after mulling it over for what seemed like seconds, but was probably actually seconds, the answer was delivered. I’m a dumbass.
So, thank goodness that’s cleared up, and we can get on with some Arts Council news! I’ll let you all in on some Taber Players’ secrets another time, but suffice to say there’s lots of stories, and lots of news on that front. But honestly, I know me, and aside from being dashingly handsome in a not really handsome type of way, I’m also prone to wandering and easily distracted. So, before I go off chasing down the hill after shiny things, I want to make sure I let you all know about something wonderful!
Don’t make any plans for April 16. Seriously. If you have plans, cancel them. Trust me, it’ll be worth your while. Do you know what a bunch of crazy kids have done? They’ve gone off half cocked! With no adult guiding hand to steer them into safer waters, these kids have taken the plunge into the deep end! And the results will be proudly on display, April 16 in the W.R. Myers gym in the form of a talent show! Now, aside from the point that I love a talent show, there’s another reason for the mile wide grin on my face. They’re holding the whole shebang to help the Arts Council in our quest to make a home in the Centre Court For The Arts!
That’s right, folks. These kids, of their own volition, have given of their time and talents to contribute to their community in a very real way. Quite frankly, I’m a little choked up. And you should be, too. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. These are our kids, folks, and they’re doing great things! I can think of no better way to kick off our fundraising season than to enjoy the end result of the hard work of these amazing, wonderful, forward-thinking students. Which is why you should run, not walk, to W.R. Myers and get your tickets to this Saturday’s talent show and silent auction!
Aunt Mildew, bless her frozen little heart, used to preface every conversation with, “Ya know what’s wrong with kids today?” Well, sir. I’ve got her answer, and yours. Not a thing! Not a thing! I’ll see you at the talent show on Saturday. I’ll be the one with the silly grin on his face, and the lump in his throat!